The Promise

It was June 1983.
I was 18 years old.
He was 20.
We were so in Love.
We always told each other "I Love You to Pieces".
Bunger said she would give it a year.

Well...Bunger was right about many, many things but, she got that one wrong! It is 27 years later and we are still married.

Seeing this picture brought back so many memories of that day. We were young and invincible, convinced that we could conquer the world together ...completely free from the real worries that the years would bring...Rusty was so handsome...I wore Teresa's gown...I forgot to bring our marriage license to the church so somebody had to go get that...I forgot my slip so Teresa gave me hers...My Uncle Larry walked me down the isle...We were surrounded by all our friends and family...My Mamaw's sweet sisters made my cake and all of the food...My Mamaw and my Mother looked Beautiful...The weather was beautiful...The way Rusty looked at me when we faced each other to say our vows gave me butterflys...Someone wrote on my Jeep "Going to the Beach to get a little SON"...We got lost driving to the beach...We stayed at the Yachtsman in Myrtle...The ice in our Champagne bucket was melted...We had one of those Old Timey pictures taken that still hangs on our bedroom wall...

There are many memories but these two I will NEVER forget:
1) Danny wrote "HELP ME" on the bottom of Rusty's shoes in big white letters that was revealed to everyone when we knelt down to pray and...
2) Linda Costner told me that the ceremony was the sweetest thing she had ever seen. She said it gave her goose bumps because Rusty looked at me like he could eat me up!

I have many things to be thankful for.
But, right now, on this day I am thankful for the promise that we made on June 11, 1983, thankful that we kept that promise and thankful that sometimes Rusty still looks at me like he could eat me up!

Rusty...I still Love You to Pieces!

"Dear Bunger"

June 18, 2010

You make me laugh; you make me cry, sometimes both in the same day. Today was one of those days.
We got in the car and headed out, this was our conversation:
Hunter: “Nana, why did Jesus put all of these trees here?”
Nana: “Well, trees make oxygen and people breathe oxygen so we need lots of trees”
Hunter: “Bunger couldn’t breathe”
Nana: “No, she got really sick and she couldn’t breathe”
Hunter: “Yea…I wish she would come back, I want her to come back because I miss her”
Nana (with tears rolling): “I want her to come back too”
Hunter: “Do you miss her too, Nana?”
Nana: “Yes, I miss her very much”
Hunter: “Dear Bunger, I wish you would come back and breathe good, I love you very much. Nana, will you make a wish with me for Bunger to come back down here?”
Nana: “Yes, Baby”

One of the most important things that we have is our relationships with our family and close friends. I don’t have to tell you that, you already know it. I am so grateful for the relationship that you had with Bunger and humbled by your determination to never forget her.
Hunter, you are incredible, you are three and a half and you definitely know what love is. As you snuggle up to me, I am forever grateful for my relationship with you. Sweet Dreams my Angel.

“Dear Bunger, we all wish you could come back and that you could breathe really well. We all love you and miss you very much!”

Yellow???

June 8, 2010

Today you made a big announcement to me...I mean BIG...huge!! The kind of announcement that shakes a foundation to it's core. The kind of announcement that raises eyebrows and causes folks to gasp! You said words that I never thought would pass over your lips! You said..."My favorite color is not pink anymore, it is yellow...I changed my mind". WHAT??? Did you say what I think you said??? Did you say that PINK is NOT your favorite color??? Did you say your favorite color is YELLOW??? Wow...I am (for a moment) speechless!

I stood there and looked at you so intensely, like a stranger, trying to find my little "lover of pink", trying to comprehend what I just heard. Trying to determine if you are just pulling my leg or if you have seriously changed your mind. So, I asked you..."Are you serious?" You looked at me, shrugged your shoulders and said "yes, I just changed my mind" and, you walked away. Walked away...just like you had said something so ordinary. I just stood there in disbelief.

For 3.5 years PINK has been our life. You wear pink, you sleep on pink, you pretend in pink, you drink out of pink cups, you color in pink and I'm pretty sure you dream in pink...PINK, PINK, PINK!! And now YELLOW??? Will our life now change from Pink to Yellow???

Will we need Yellow dresses, yellow sheets, more yellow crayons? When we pretend to capture clouds from the hammock, will yours now be yellow? Will the pretend gas you get in your pink jeep now be yellow? Will you now want all yellow cups? Will we need yellow night gowns???

Now, I know there are many shocking and unheard of things going on in our world right now like the oil that just keeps pouring into our ocean that no one can seem to fix. But, in our little ordinary, simple, day to day world, this was the most shocking of all!

Yellow now, REALLY???
Only time will tell...

Shoes

OK…so I got an expired license ticket on Christmas Eve as I drove Hunter home from Bib’s just before midnight. He pulled me because he said I crossed the center line. Now, I don’t think I did but maybe that happens while you are singing “Here Comes Santa Clause”. Anyway, as I take my place in the court room I watch the people file in and I’m drawn to their shoes, I don’t look at their faces, I look at their shoes…can shoes really tell a story about a person? We’ll get back to that.

When you think about it, there are tons of shoe varieties! I watch this line of shoes walk in and I wonder what made them choose those particular shoes…where have they been…where are they going…(Forrest Gump??) and how do they walk so far in those high, high heels??? From their shoes my eyes wonder up to their clothes, their hair, their faces and I can tell you that if you want to see a serious representation of Americans from all walks of life…visit the court house!

So, I wonder…what is their story?

Did they also procrastinate and let their license expire?
Were they driving too fast?
Did they write a bad check so they could feed their family?
Did they know they were going to have to park 100 blocks away when they put those 3 inch heels on???

This is a room full of people, a room full of stories, a room full of Shoes. We all look different but we are also all the same…all People and all wearing Shoes.

Just fyi…when I left the house this morning I was wearing cute little (not little literally) leather flats. I went to the office and ran a couple of errands and by then those cute little leather shoes were absolutely crippling me!! So before court I made a pit stop to Old Navy and purchased flip flops…2 for $5. Now, there’s my shoe story!

Think about your shoe selection before you go to court next time because someone is probably looking…

Happy Trails!

Our Frequent and Unwelcomed Visitor

Our family has once again been faced with death. It has become our frequent and unwelcomed visitor.

It has filled me with so many emotions. It has brought back so many happy memories that I am so thankful for and will forever hold in my heart. All these cousins grew up together - Dustin & Travis, Josh, Kristin & Lindsey, Butch & Bryan, Brent & Scott. They were always at each other’s birthday parties, they always had Easter egg hunts together in Bunger’s and Teresa & Jeff’s yards, they went to daycare together, Elementary School, Middle School and High School, they participated in school events together, played sports together and went on trips together. And most importantly they were all friends. Friends, who hung out in the same circles, went to the same places and just had fun together, I think our children had an even closer friendship than us parents realized.

It also brings a deep sadness for the memories that we can no longer make. It also brings back that deep dark worry of receiving that dreaded call in the middle of the night that something has happened that I thought we had luckily and prayerfully passed through. As Parents, we all know the fear of that dreaded call.

I feel a deep sadness for Leonard & Jane because I have our family connection but also a connection as a fellow parent of boys the same ages. I can only imagine the hurt that Jane feels because she carried this precious life inside of her, nurtured him and loved him and now he is gone. As for Leonard, I know the love he has for all of his boys…I know the love I have for my boys. I look at him now and I see a deep sadness that no words can heal. I see the hurt and the emptiness, the pain and the anger, I see the loneliness and the fear, I see the “WHY” and I see the forgiveness. I see a Father trying to put the last pieces of his son’s life in some kind of order that he can understand. I see a Father searching for the truth. I see a Father trying to figure out how he will live his life without one of his precious sons. I think about what that must feel like. I think about what it must have felt like to only get to hold your son’s hand in the basement room of the hospital because he is too battered to look upon. I think about what strength it would take to leave that room knowing you were not taking your son with you. I think about what it must have felt like to be in the funeral home the morning before the service knowing that casket was going to close for the last time and that would be the last time he could ever look at his face or touch his hand. I think about what it must feel like to know that your son’s body will be placed in that cold ground. I think about these things from Leonard’s perspective and they haunt me because I know that so many times that this could have been me. The nights I have spent worrying and praying far surpass the nights that I haven’t spent worrying and praying….and I know at some point, this could just as easily have happened to me. I don’t pretend to know how Leonard feels because I have not walked in his shoes but the hurt that I see in his eyes tells me that I do not have the strength to carry this cross and so I send out mounds and mounds of gratitude and thankfulness to God and pray that I be spared this tribulation.

My heart also aches for Brent. My boys are the same ages of Brent and Scott so I know the bond that Brothers share. Even when they seem to be different and separate and even when they are fighting and going through different stages of life, that bond is still there. That kind of bond is not easily broken. Brent and Scott had really formed that bond in the last few years. They shared so many interests and had really come together as brothers. They had separate rooms but slept in the same room together so they could talk and look up hunting “stuff” on the computer together. Now, Brent has lost his brother, Scott forever and even though that is reality, he will still hold that bond in his heart forever.

My heart aches for little Trevor, he lost his Uncle Scott. They had really started to form a friendship that would have shaped Trevor’s life forever. Now as a young boy, he will miss out on the wisdom that Scott would have been able to share with him over time and just the fun they would have had together. It makes me deeply sad because I know of the bond that Hunter has with her Uncle Dustin and how important that relationship is to her and what a positive impact he will make on the rest of her life. It saddens me that this has been taken away from Trevor.

My heart aches for Butch and Bryan because they too have lost their brother. While they did not live in the same house with Brent & Scott, the bond of brothers was still there. You think you have a full lifetime to strengthen these bonds and I see the sadness in Butch’s eyes that this time was unexpectedly cut short.

My heart also aches for Josh, Kristin, Lindsey, Dustin & Travis. There is also a special bond that exists between cousins. Having close relationships with your cousins brings a special dynamic to the family. There is just nothing like cousins growing up close in proximity and also in friendship. It is really just an extension of your brother/sister bond that no one else can enter or break. Cousins will fight for each other and protect each other to the very end. I also see the sadness in their eyes for the loss of their special cousin.

People of all ages, Please hear me! We have to get the message out in a way that people will stop and take heed to. How many times does this have to happen??? We as parents cannot continue to bury our precious young children because of partying and drunk driving. Changes have to be made. People, I can assure you that whatever fun you think you are having is not worth this kind of result. On this Earth, DEATH is FINAL and one death affects a whole family full of people. And…this CAN be prevented…..

Rest in Peace Scott. May we always remember your mischievous little smile and the imprint you left on the hearts of your family and friends. We Love you, miss you and will never forget you!

She's growing up too fast!

Every time I see her I can hardly wait to get my hands on her and go in for a big tight hug, the kind of hug that is really felt. Then I want to step back and just admire her and listen to her talk, listen to all the new words she says and the way in which she uses them in her sentences. I want to just study her face, for every day it is changing. I want to see her every expression and I want to hear her every story.

"it's just like the same"

"I went to Chucky Cheese and there were real chucky cheeses there (as she giggles) and I hugged them, you can't kiss a chucky cheese, you only can hug them"

As she sat in the wooden rocking chair today rocking back and forth she said.."I'm a Grandma"

"Can I help you cook, My Nana 'cause you said I was the bestest cooker?"

I love to watch her with her puppy, pointing her little finger at her and telling her what she can and cannot do. I'm thinking she will be the leader of that pack!!

She tells me she loves me a million times and it makes me smile and my heart grows full and happy... the only thing better would be a million + 1 with a Kiss.

I love the way her hair falls in her face then to watch her push it away all the while not wanting to put in a hair bow.

Sometimes she looks at me a certain way and I see parts of my Travis looking back at me. In what she does, things she says, a certain tilt of her head, in her mannerisms...especially in her eyes, I see my Travis.
I think that is the coolest thing about being a grandparent. You had this child that you seriously adore who has now had a child of his own that possesses his mannerisms, has his eyes but also carries all the things that make her...her. So in this one child you get a double version of that love and adoration that you never thought could be duplicated.

Many people would agree that Travis has not always taken the right road and has made some bad decisions but....Hunter is NOT one of them. She is nothing short of a Blessing to Travis and to us all. I think there is a lesson here...don't ever count yourself out...at the end of every wrong road and bad decision could await a "Hunter"!!

My wish tonight is that time will slow down just a little so I can soak in all the little things I love and enjoy about her right now. She's definitely growing up too fast!

I Love you, My Baby...more than yesterday but less than tomorrow!

Wolf Laurel

On the ride home Teresa and I reflected on our annual ski trip to Wolf Laurel. For a split second we asked ourselves "Is it worth it for just one weekend??"

There is the planning, the scheduling of so many people, the list making, the laundry, the packing, the meal planning, the purchasing of the groceries, the coordination of vehicles and passengers, the packing of the vehicles, the ride, the stops to pee, the unpacking of the vehicles, the unpacking of all "your" stuff, the deciding who will sleep where, the putting up of all the groceries and then....doing it ALL again in reverse when the weekend is over....WHEW!!

The answer to this question is a most definite YES!!

To have our family in one house and hear the conversations between our children and watch their relationships grow stronger, to hear the Roar of laughter well into the morning, to hear the stories of successful and maybe unsuccessful ski or snowboard runs, to witness Triston, Hunter and now Alivia grow and change every year, to see the smiles on the faces of all these people we LOVE and just BE with them if only for a weekend...

Yes, it is tiring and Yes, it is sometimes stressful so...will we gather again next year to repeat this wonderful process??...

YES...we can't wait!!!

Missing You

Every day I am reminded of what a Blessing it was to have you in my life, Mamaw Florence. I want to take this time to write down who you were to me and some of the things you taught me.

Before I married and started my own family, YOU were my family. You were the only person I trusted and I knew without a doubt that you thought I hung the moon! I knew that you loved me unconditionally and that you would make any sacrifice necessary to put my needs first.

You taught me how to love because you loved me. You taught me how to be strong and independent by watching you be strong and independent. You taught me all my songs and nursery rhymes, letters and numbers by spending time with me reading and singing. You bought me tons of puzzles and taught me how to put them together and I LOVED them! You made sure I was always ahead and ready for school and even though you struggled, you made sure I had whatever I needed. You taught me compassion because you were compassionate. And, you kept your sense of humor by jumping out of the closet at me as I walked down the hall looking for you. You thought that was just hilarious!! But, of course it was always followed by lots of hugs and kisses (to bring my heart rate down!) Even now, a person's sense of humor is always the quality that I like in them the most.

Christmas time at your house was always special. As a child I looked more forward to that than anything else. You didn't have tons of decorations but you put each one up in a very specific way that only you could do. You didn't want any help with that part...that was all done by you. You were very particular about the way your tree looked.

We always went to your house on Christmas eve to eat and open presents. The Chicken Dressing was your specialty. This was what I looked forward to all year. No matter what was going on in my life, I knew I was going to Mamaw's house on Christmas Eve and the floor under the tree would be filled with presents for "Renee". They always came out in the floor way beyond the tree and I was always the last person left still opening presents. I felt special, loved, warm and safe. If I close my eyes right now I can still feel that joy and excitement and childlike anticipation of the days leading up to Christmas Eve with Mamaw. Thank you Mamaw for my wonderful Christmas memories.

I still have your Santa that was always displayed under your tree. I don't ever remember a Christmas without this Santa at your house. That was the one thing that I wanted from you. That Santa says "Christmas" to me, I can't imagine having Christmas without him. I proudly display him under our tree because I know how much you loved him.

The world lost an angel when Alzheimer's took you from us but I am forever grateful for the time that I had with you in my life. I have tried to spend the last 23 years teaching my boys Love, Strength, Independence, Knowledge, Compassion and Humor. I've tried to show them that I am in their corner no matter what and that the love I have for them is unconditional.

I now can pass on this legacy to my granddaughter, Hunter. I look at her with a complete understanding of how you felt when you looked at me. It is a love that cannot be explained with words, it can only be felt with your heart. My hope and goal is that Hunter grows up with the same love and respect for me that I have for you brought on as a result of the teachings from Mamaw Florence to Nana Renee.

I am grateful to you and I still and will always love you and miss you.

Christmas 2009

This Christmas was both happy and sad. Hunter, you were at that perfect age of 3 when Christmas is it's most exciting with all the anticipation of Santa! It was so much fun to see your little face light up with every mention of Santa and presents! Bryan came home this year so it was nice to spend some time with him. My Great Uncle Ronald passed away. Bobby is really sick and didn't get to join us for Christmas. And, we sure did miss you Bunger.

It is just not the same coming through the kitchen door and not seeing you sitting at the table...especially on Christmas Eve. You're supposed to be there to greet us with your toothless smile and your "matter of fact" attitude. You're supposed to have homemade fruit cocktail and pumpkin pies waiting for us. You're supposed to be arguing with Bib about who makes the biggest mess cooking and about who washes the dishes. You're supposed to be sitting there with a stain of fruit or pumpkin pie on your shirt so Teresa can fuss about how you have all these new, unstained clothes in your closet that you don't wear. You're just supposed to be there.

We put our game face on and carried out our normal and cherished family traditions which we will continue to do, but we all were very aware that you were not there and I know we all missed you in our own special way. The thing I missed the most was seeing that joy come over you and your whole face light up when Hunter comes through the door.

Merry Christmas Bunger! We love you and will always miss you.