Time Doesn't Wait For Us

One week ago today it was a beautiful Friday.  I had the music playing in my office as I was making my way through my work day thankful for the weather and looking forward to picking Hunter up from school.  I heard Rusty downstairs talking on the phone in a tone different from his normal. This tone caused me to pause, mute the music and listen.  With our years together I can usually tell who he is talking to by the tone of his voice. This was different.  I couldn't tell.  
I couldn't hear his words and the conversation seemed to continue and his tone leveled out.  I un-muted the music, finished up what I was in the middle of and went downstairs about 15 minutes later.
Rusty was sitting at the table looking at something on the laptop.  
As I walked toward him, he looked at me over his glasses.
His look caused me to stop.
I knew he was going to say something to me and I knew it wasn't going to be good.
I stood there looking at him for what seemed like an eternity before he said these words - 
Renee, your father died this week.
I pushed out a whispered ....What  ?
The voice in my head was screaming .....NO NO NO NO NO NO
He continued with information about what had happened but I couldn't hear him.  I could see his lips moving but I couldn't hear him.  All I could think about was the letter I wrote to my Father in June, 2011 and that I never called him.
Now he is gone.  Really gone.  Now I can't call him.  I can't ever call him.
Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't get out of that room fast enough.
I went into my bedroom and shut the door.
I continued into my bathroom and shut the door.
Rusty knew I would need to work this out alone and didn't bother me.  I was thankful for the solitude. 

I fell completely apart, surprised by my reaction.

I had feelings of loss and sadness and emptiness and anger and the finality of the situation was overwhelming.
Why didn't I call him??  Why??  Why did he never call me???  Why??    
This can't be happening.  I need just a little more time.  Please.  Just a little more.  I need a little more time to work up my nerve.  Just a little more time.
I just had to get it out.  I had to come to terms with the fact that it was over.  I didn't have any more time.  I had to decide that I wasn't going to understand it.  I wasn't going to fix it.  
I waited too long.  He waited too long.

Life is not a fairy tale.  It is twisted.  It is harsh.  It doesn't apologize.  It is tough and painful.
And... Beautiful.
We just need to make sure that our Beautiful out shines our twisted, harsh, tough and painful.
Mine does.  A million times over.

Rest Peacefully Jerry Allen.  I do not hold any ill feelings toward you.  I have an understanding that you did the best you could and I'm appreciative for the life that you gave me.
Good-bye.  I will carry you in my heart.
I love you.